On Confidence

Facing Uncertainty After a Stroke
When I emerged from a month-long hospital stay after I experienced a major stroke, I found myself uncertain of my new world and my place in it.
 
The world hadn’t changed, but I had. The uncertainty was about whether I could pick up the pieces and move on with my new brain injury-related disability.
 
You know that feeling when you walk into a room and realize you don’t remember why you walked in? After the massive stroke I experienced, I felt like I came to this planet, but couldn’t remember what for. It was very awkward and very unpleasant at times.
 
I wasn’t quite confident my new self could navigate through the old world where I had been quite comfortable with myself and my abilities. I was quite sure I could do it if I could just face the challenges to come with my old confidence and self-assurance.
 
But how was I ever going to do it in my new disabled state? After a short readjustment phase, I found the answer.
 
The Power of Acting Confident
I remembered the advice from my younger years that had served me well throughout my previous life, from a (then) well-known actor.
 
In an interview he was asked about overcoming stage fright and what he did to get over it. His answer was to just act like someone with confidence.
 
It sounded kind of simplistic, but that really struck a chord; it sounded right to me. I took that bit of wisdom to heart and ran with it. It got me through a lot of awkward situations.
 
And now here I was in one heck of an awkward situation, being a stroke survivor with an acquired traumatic brain injury.
 
Visualization and Self-Programming
I can tell you what I did, and that it worked for me (again). I can’t guarantee the same result for anybody else, but if I could do it, anybody should be able to.
 
I would lie in bed at night with my eyes closed and tell myself I would face the world with complete confidence, in all situations, and no matter what.
 
I would also visualize myself in different situations acting with complete confidence. I picked someone I admired and kind of “programmed” myself to behave in the manner he modeled. I couldn’t be him, so I had to come up with my version of how he behaved. I visualized carrying myself with confidence, poise, and self-deprecating humor.
 
I also visualized people telling me they had noticed how I approached situations with calm and poise. In my head I “overheard” people making comments about me in that vein.
 
I formed a kind of image in my head of coming off as smart, funny, approachable and fun to be around. I could do that, I thought; I could see a mental image of myself being that way. But I knew deep inside I would always basically be an introvert and still be living in my head.
 
Visualization and Self-Programming
I try to strike a balance between being bashful and socially confident: I learned all over again to be an extroverted introvert (psychologists call a person like this an ambivert).
 
In other words, though I was still often painfully introverted, I could be extroverted when the situation required it.
 
Before long, it was common for people to tell me that if they hadn’t already known I’d experienced a massive stroke, they would never have guessed it.
 
I would say that one of the most important things to remember about acting confidently is don’t overdo it; don’t overcompensate. And keep it realistic. Outwardly become the person that lives inside you—don’t try to be something you could never realistically hope to be.
 
Psychological Concepts on Confidence
That leads to two more concepts, both from psychology. They’re known as the Dunning-Kruger effect and impostor syndrome.
 
The Dunning-Kruger effect concerns how people rate their own competence. People with lower levels of competence often overestimate their competence, while highly competent people often  underestimate theirs. In my mind, the ones who overestimate themselves are likely more on the obnoxious end of the scale, while those who underestimate themselves tend to be more likely to lack confidence and hold themselves back.
 
The Dunning-Kruger effect has its critics, but I pretty much agree with the simplified interpretation I just laid down here. It just intuitively feels right to me.
 
The other concept is called the impostor syndrome.
 

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The impostor syndrome happens when someone reaches a certain level of achievement or acclaim, but deep down fear that people can see right through them and see they are actually a no-talent fake or an impostor. They may feel they had just been lucky and don’t really deserve the acclaim.
 
These are people who don’t have a clear vision of themselves or reality. Deep down you feel you aren’t the real thing, but in reality other people only see the outward you.
 
I wonder whether the impostor syndrome is a cause of some of the self-destructive behaviors or even the suicides of some celebrities. I don’t know, but I do wonder.
 
This is where it’s advisable and a good idea to know yourself, to really know your strengths and weaknesses and to be realistic and honest about what they are. 
 
And remember: Confidence attracts, overconfidence repels. And also remember that confident people know they don’t have anything to prove, to anyone, except maybe to themselves.
 
Fake It Till You Make It
The term for what I’ve written about here is “ Fake it till you make it.” The beauty part is that as you fake it and get positive results from it, that becomes who you actually are, and you won’t need to fake it anymore.
 
And another term some people who write self-help industry use is “Think it and be it.” If you think you are confident, you will be confident, and it can happen sooner than you might expect.
 
Projecting confidence may help get past the social isolation brain injury survivors and people with other acquired disabilities often feel. I believe some of what’s going on in that case is the people you knew before your injury don’t know how to interact with the new you, and so withdraw.
 
I’m wondering whether sometimes that can be a reaction to the way you are acting. If you see yourself being confident in social settings you can make it easier to be accepted. Be confident that, for example, if you let others know what you are going through and how your brain injury makes you feel, you can help that person feel more comfortable about you as well.
 
Being confident in that kind of situation can give you the self-assurance that by making yourself vulnerable and risking rejection, letting other people know your thoughts and feelings can build bridges and open doors.
 
I hope you will try what I’ve tried (and hopefully succeeded) here to explain. And I hope you will contact me and let me know how you are doing with it.
 
I’m confident you can do it.